Monday, September 21, 2009

Day One

Gareth has gone. He's in London tonight before they head out tomorrow for South Africa. We talked for about an hour on the phone earlier. A lot of his friends came yesterday to see him off and there we're lots of tears from his friends, but lots of laughs too.

In the end it was me driving him to the airport. I was actually doing good with it all for most of the day until I parked the car and looked over at him. He looked at me, this man of mine who doesn't cry very often and makes fun of others when they do, with tears in his eyes. That's when I lost it. We leaned to each other with tears running down both of our faces and just leaned our heads against each other. We sat in the car for a bit and kissed and just held hands and stared in each others eyes for the longest time, no words being said. I just wanted to keep holding on to him and I would have if time would have let me. But time waits for no one and before we knew it we were walking through the airport. I hung around long enough to watch his plane take off and then drove back home not knowing when I would see him again. I've never loved anyone like this before and watching him leave, letting him go, was one of the hardest things I've had to do.
I didn't get much sleep last night and today at work, the day just dragged and seemed to go on forever. I couldn't really focus much on anything and didn't really get anything accomplished. Found myself staring at my computer several times, lost in thought until someone said something to me and snapped me out of my thoughts. I'm actually looking forward to getting back to sea. I think thats the place I need to be right now.

I came home after work tonight, fed the cats, took a long hot bath, and spent the night looking at photo albums, waiting for him to call when he got in to his room. Spent an hour talking to him. I've taken to sleeping on the couch now, the bed being too big and lonely without him beside me. Eventually I'll get back in a routine, but for now a big dish of Raspberry and Chocolate ice cream and the movie "The Holiday" are going to get me through tonight.


WranglerMan said...

"But time waits for no one."

How right you are, and how mature you are to realize you had to let him go. Oh, God, I know it hurts! But you'll get through this. All my thoughts, prayers, and good wishes are with you tonight! Godspeed!

Tonnya said...

I can't remember how I discovered your blog but I've been following it for months. I love hearing about your escapades in Ireland, the bits of news/history, and looking at the amazing photos. But what I love most is reading about the love you have for your man. As a person who's never been in love (or a relationship for that matter), it gives me hope that someday, somewhere I'll find it. The love between you and Gareth is proof that love has no bounds, no constraints--it transcends all. You'll both be in my thoughts and prayers.

Oh, love the music playlists too!

Josh said...

My deepest thoughts go out to you. This post brought me to tears. You must try to cheer up though, this attitude doesn't suit you!

Joel said...

I can't hear the playlist... my damn browser is driving me nuts.
Anyway, be strong mate! For you and for him, everything will be just fine =)
Just patiente, hope, love and lots of raspberry and chocolate ice cream (don't forget the gym part) - the best recipe to cure that damn feeling called "saudade" - a tricky one may I say ;)
All the best!

Rachel said...

This poem is not about old lovers being separated but it's a favorite of mine and, for some reason, always comes to mind when I am apart from my man and makes me smile.

To A Stranger by Walt Whitman

Passing stranger! you do not know
How longingly I look upon you,
You must be he I was seeking,
Or she I was seeking
(It comes to me as a dream)

I have somewhere surely
Lived a life of joy with you,
All is recall'd as we flit by each other,
Fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured,

You grew up with me,
Were a boy with me or a girl with me,
I ate with you and slept with you, your body has become
not yours only nor left my body mine only,

You give me the pleasure of your eyes,
face, flesh as we pass,
You take of my beard, breast, hands,
in return,

I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you
when I sit alone or wake at night, alone
I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again
I am to see to it that I do not lose you.

Thinking of you and Gareth.

Anonymous said...

Do not despair, he will come back.

Anonymous said...

This must be a very difficult time for you now in your life. having only come across your blog a while ago i love your style of writing and how you write so well about my city and the genuine love you are able to express for your man. Gareth will miss you terribly and I know you are for each other.

PS still would love to have your contacts re your great rugby photos grrrrrrrrr

Mimi and Tilly said...

Sending support and smiles through the internet ether.

Tonnya said...

"Where You End" by Moby just started playing on my iPod and it got me thinking of you..Hope your sorrow's are lessening with each day that passes until your man comes home. xo

Runaway said...

Hey Man, It's me, Runaway!
I had a problema so I couldn't login in my account.

"But time waits for no one."

It's the most bitter truth, but is also truth that time is gonna make this easier to go through, and time is gonna bring Gareth back to you.
Time is a wise and patient teacher.

Do not worry, love can overcome the difficulties of the time and distance.


Brian Morley said...

it will be good again...I know that doesn't help;your pain is a reflection of the depth of love you have for each other. Start a book about the Argentinian,it will help you with your pain over Gareth, and put him in a fresh,healthy place. You have a great talent in your writing, and you've healed from that relationship, so you'll be able to get it on paper with clarity.Sorry-I just was thinking that, and thought I'd share it with you.Take care

Vévé said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vévé said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
American Irish said...

I'll check that out Veve. Thanks all for the comments. Things are better, getting into a routine and I'll get to go to sea next week. Going out with some friends tonight to listen to some music and have a few drinks. Wishing everyone a good weekend.

Jen said...

Love ya babes. Doing better?

Ing said...

Have you all talk and done the web cam thing already? Are you all able to talk everyday? The Holiday and raspberry and chocolate ice cream you are so my kind of man...if only you weren't gay! LOL!