Just a quick note to say I'm finally home from a long voyage. It took awhile to get my land legs, everything seemed to be a bit wobbly for awhile. I've returned with a nice bruise on my side where I cracked my ribs when I almost went overboard in rough seas, but they're healing and I'll be fine. Imagine walking along and all of a sudden you're pushed into a rail and you're body has no control and bends over the railing in the shape of a U. Ouch, yeah, it hurt like hell.
It's such a good feeling to be home and see my babies (my cats) greeting me at the door. I stuck my bags down by the door and they became torn between greeting me and rumaching through the bags. Not sure if they wanted to see if I brought them a present or if they were enjoying the smell of fish on everything.
Gareth was out when I got in, but as I began to undress to get a nice long, hot shower I noticed some flowers on the table in a nice vase and a big glass jug you would put juice into sitting next to it with a card in front of them. It had my name on it, so I opened it and read, "This is my mums vase, so I thought I would fill it with flowers and water so you don't throw it at me. If you get the urge to throw something at me, use this glass jug, I never liked it much anyway. " I had to smile at this as I headed off to the showers.
I can honestly tell you that hot water hitting my body was better than sex or chocolate at that moment. Even better than sex while eating chocolates.
I was just finishing my shower and walking out with the towel around my waist when Gareth walked in. He saw me and turned as if he was going to walk back out, then turned back too me and for a brief second I wasn't sure if he was coming or going and I don't think he knew either. Leaving the door open for a quick getaway he stood with his head down fidgeting with his keys for a moment not sure if I was going to yell at him. This was the first time seeing each other since he sent me a message at sea stating he had accepted on to a project to open a clinic or two in South Africa and it would be a two year committment. We had talked about the possiblity, but nothing was close to being definate when I left for the voyage so it came as quite a shock and I sent him a response which he didn't get and we had some communication issues, so I had to wait til I returned.
I had a whole bunch of things in my head that I was going to say to him when I got back, I even practiced saying them and thinking of what his response would be so I could have a good reply back in the argument. But seeing him standing there, that nervous look on his face, his tie undone and his hair looking tossled, which it always does even a minute after combing, I lost the words I was going to say and all my heart could think of was how much I loved him and all I could say was "So, two years?"
At this he started talking quickly about how yes it's two years, but he would be commuting back and forth and not actually moving there and I could come visit. He paused for a brief moment and when I didn't say anything he went on to explain how two years isn't a long time and that he wouldn't be there the whole two years, just a few months or even just weeks here and there and that its really not as bad as it seems. At least it was something like that. He was talking so fast and nervous I wasn't sure if I had just been sold a car along with his speech. Then just as fast as he started talking, he stopped. My brain was still processing what he said, which led to a long silence between us. It wasn't until I realized he was still holding tight to the door knob and waiting for a response from me that I realized I should say something. So I said, "You think we can make this work?" Once again, not really what I was thinking I was going to say at this moment, but sometimes your mouth realizes its not a good idea to repeat what is being spoken in the brain.
He finally felt safe enough to let the door shut behind him and came over to me to tell me he doesn't want to loose me and if it means chosing between one or the other, he chooses me. But he did point out I previously told him I would support him no matter what he decided to do. Which led us to have a nice talk on the couch until I fell asleep on his shoulder. I just woke to find myself covered with a blanket on the couch and Gareth sitting in the reclyner fast asleep, one cat on the couch with me and one on his lap.
I laid there for a moment watching everyone sleep and taking it all in. Not sure how we're going to make this work, but I don't want to loose him either. Guess this means we'll have to figure something out. I would never ask him to not do something that makes him happy in life, that gives him a purpose for why he is here on this Earth just so I can wake up in his arms each morning. He's allowed me to be me, so I have to suck it up and allow him to be who he is. If you look at the small picture, two years is a long time. I havn't even been in Ireland for two years yet, but it feels like forever. Still, if you look at the big picture and I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, two years is a drop in the bucket if we're lucky enough to get that lifetime together.
My back hurts and my bed is looking comfy. I'm going to get my man and my little ones and fall asleep with everything that is precious to me in my arms.