Sunday, April 7, 2013

Watching Him Sleep

I woke up in the middle of the night, can't sleep.  I sat up next to Gareth for awhile watching him sleep and thinking.  Life just seems to be going by so fast these days.  When I was a child and my thoughts were only filled of playing games with friends and counting down the days until summer vacation, time seemed to move very slow.  

I've found myself thinking a lot of my childhood these last few days.  My sister sent me a text and photo of an empty field to inform me the house we grew up in until I was thirteen was torn down to make way for new development.  I would drive by everytime I made it home to spend a moment making sure it still stood and to conjure up some memories of my childhood and reminice of the alleys and streets where we used to play with childhood friends and the big field nearby where we had our own gang of bumbling Peanuts type characters playing baseball.  Its sad to think that it no longer stands as a testament to all who lived within its walls and called it home.

This is also the anniversary weekend that my mother passed away. So for the last couple days my thoughts have been drifting off to a time when life seemed innocent and I had my whole life ahead of me.  As I mentioned several times before in my writings, I never dreamed I would have the life I do today.  When my parents died, the person I was then is not the person I am today.  I often wondered if they would be happy for me and if they would have been proud to see the man I have become?  I think they would be although they would be upset at me being so far from home.  

There are many times when something good or bad happens in my life and my mother or father come into my mind and I wish I could share the moment with them.  It was a big adjustment to not have them in my life as it was for Gareth when he lost his parents.  Fortunately, we've found each other and along with our four little cats we've built a family life and I honestly don't know what I would do without him.  If I lost him, I really don't know if I could go on.  He is everything to me.  

There were nights when he was in South Africa and I would wake up and reach for him to realize he wasn't there.  I would lay my hand on the spot where he slept and close my eyes and think of him.  So on nights like tonight when I can't sleep I'll lay next to him and watch him breath and memorize the curvature of his nose, the features of his hands, the softness of his lips, and just take in the stillness of the night knowing how lucky I am to have this moment. 

I'm going to go back to bed now, crawl in next to him and wrap my arm around his waist and fall asleep being happy not only for the childhood I had with loving parents, but also for the life I am living today. 


Anonymous said...

Gareth is a handsome man and from the way you write about him I can tell he is also a nice person.

Anonymous said...

Love satin sheets. Soft and cool for sleeping. Can't stand being hot.

Anonymous said...

You're so sweet I just wanna hug you and yes you're parents would be proud of you.

Deb said...

"There were nights when I reached out for him and he wasn't there." That brings tears to my eyes for I have that same experience every time my guy deploys overseas.

Anonymous said...

Wow wow Stephen again I have to say I love the way you write so lovingly of your gorgeous husband Gareth...My parents are also deceased and I agree it truly is wonderful to have a man in your life to share the good the bad and just the ordinary things of life too.. Continued happiness to you both.

GVP said...

This is so heart warming :)

Mark said...

I want someone to love me like you love Gareth. He is a lucky man and you are a dream.

Anonymous said...

I'm a gay man, still in the closet, married to a woman. My life is good and I'm happy, but when I read your writings it makes me wonder of what could have been if I had the courage.

American Irish said...

Thanks for the nice comments everyone. Anon who is still in the closet, I don't know anything about your life, but I just want to say that I hope someday you can be yourself. Life is too short to be anything else.

Wolbo said...

AI -
Since I stumbled in your blog I love it. Stories like this one helped me through many dark, lonely and sleepless nights.
Thank you very much!

Anon who is still in the closet -
I am in the same situation: Gay, in the closet, married to a woman, (father of a son).
I thought my life was good, until I was told, that cancer grows in my body. Its funny, but this single moment turned my life upside down.
Since that moment I have asked me a thousand times how my life would have been, if I had have the courage to come out.
At least I had to confess myself, that for many years I lived the life of anyone else but not mine.
For me its to late to change my life, but you should think about.

Joel said...

Love is a powerful and mysterious thing. All types of love are.