Apparently, I'm A Dumb Ass!

Earlier this evening, Gareth and I were getting ready to go out for dinner. I realized I had forgotten my duffel bag in the backseat of the car. He throws me the car keys and I go out and get my duffel bag. As I'm doing this, my phone rings and its a co-worker asking me a question about a computer on board that's having an issue. I get my bag, shut the car door and go inside still talking on the phone. I end the phone conversation after a few minutes and finish getting dressed.



As were about to leave the house, Gareth says, "Toss me the keys." I told him I already gave them to him when I came in the house. He replied no you didn't which turned into "Yes I did, no you didn't" for about a minute. Finally I said "I gave them to you when I came in. I can remember what I did a few minutes ago, I'm not a dumb ass."



At this point, my phone rang again, and I was sitting on the couch going over the details of what my confused co-worker needed to do once again. Behind me I heard Gareth jingling keys and walking out the front door mumbling we're going to be late for our reservations. After a minute, I got off the phone and grabbed my coat and went out the door locking the door behind me.



When I get outside I see Gareth standing next to the car. He points to the dashboard of the car, which is locked, to where I left the keys laying. At this point he has a smug smile on his face and asks me to toss him my set of keys. At this point I asked, "I thought you grabbed my keys?" To which he replies somewhat confused "No, I didn't." "Well, what keys did you have when you left the house?" The reply, now a bit angry, was "I didn't have any keys. I was counting some change in me pocket." Which led to a minute of "I heard keys, no you heard change" until he finally asked me in that voice where you know the person is just on the edge of snapping and loosing control. Of course, in my mind at this point I realized, if he didn't have my keys and I don't have my keys, they are still in my old pants pockets lying on the floor of the bedroom and I have locked the front door.



My lips became parched as I said, "My keys are in my pants on the floor of the bedroom" while giving him a cheesey grin. Not sure why anyone does that cheesey grin when they are in trouble, it never works. They never think, aw so cute, I can't be mad at him. No, it just pisses the other person off even more. I know this because he growled, "Go get them." At this point it was hard to swallow as I spoke barely above a whisper "I can't. I locked the front door." He stops leaning on the top of the car, gives me a look and starts walking to the house. At this point I start wondering what new Irish cuss words I was going to learn today. But he just walked to the back of the house.



I stood there for a moment, then a few more minutes go by. No sign of him. So I walk to the back of the house and still no sign of him. I'm thinking did he go to the neighbors, did he go back out front. So I walk around the house again. When I came back to the back of the house, I noticed a light on inside. I looked in the patio window and saw him in the kitchen drinking a glass of Orange Juice. Somehow he managed to get inside. I tried to open the door and it was still locked. I asked him to open the door and he said no. I told him to quit playing, we're going to be late. He replied we're already late.



At this point he goes into the living room and sits down, and turns out the kitchen light. I am now standing at the back door alone, locked out. My cats are meowing at the door looking at me. I tried to get them to hit the latch on the door, but being cats they just meowed at me. I tried to trick them with the "Timmy's fallen in the well, go get help." story, but they are still cats, not Lassie, so that didn't work. I tried using sign language by making a cutting sign across my throat and telling them to go kill him and take the keys. That only led to rolling on the floor by one as the other cat licked his private parts. At this point I realize, I'm amusing only myself and I'm still locked out of the house. So I start knocking on the door.



After a few moments he came and stood in the kitchen and looked at me with no expression on his face. At this point, my cats even went and stood next to him and looked at me. Knowing he had the upper hand and I had to break down and grovel, I told him, "I'm a dumb ass. OK, I'm a dumb ass." As I finished, he unlocks the door and lets me in. Feeling superior, he smiles at me and tells me he changed the reservation time. He dangles my keys in front of me and as I reached for them he pushes my hand away. He then sticks them in my pants pocket, leaving his hand linger in there for a moment as he whispers, "You owe me."


I don't know what he has in mind, but I hope it doesn't involve handcuffs. Who knows where I'll put the keys?